Happy Happy..

Another Birthday Hun..  Hope all is well.. Haven't seen any new articles or anything with your name on them in a while, but I assume you're still enjoying your work there and content with your life. 

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There's a lot more to me than you realize.  More to me than sex.  More to me than intelligence, and strength, and confidence.  Those things are all shallow illusions anyway.  There is something else that eats at my soul.  Something that disturbs me.. keeps me up at nights.. Torments my mind.  A demon?.  Maybe, but one of my own making this time.  I have lost my vision. I lack discernment.  If my gift is that I can see both sides, then it is my curse as well, for in any decision I am paralyzed by the appreciation of both routes.  What is lacking though is the unseen.  I cannot account for His hand in my life and how He will change things.  Which route allows for more uncertainty?.  hah.. uncertainty in what form?. 

    I'm too old to be this ignorant of my calling in life. Things to figure out in your 20's -master -mate- mission.. right?.   You claim to know your master, though you rarely act like it..  but you are mateless and have no mission.  Who are you? What are you doing here?! 

    "I can tell you've been working out.   Damn!"    I would rather find the girl who on seeing me can say "I can tell you've been praying.  Wow!"   ... who could see that on me? Who would encourage me in that area?  Bring me closer to Him instead of needing me to drag her towards Him?  ...   I miss my Jaguar.

  Why?   because I felt like my life had purpose with her.  Even if I did nothing, the fact that I existed in her world seemed to give purpose to my existence.  I'm not saying that to be nostalgic.. but rather as a strictly analytical recounting of how I felt then.  I felt then!  I had emotions.. not always for good.. but I felt.  i felt i felt i felt...   so much has been taken from my life in losing her.  I will never find another like her, will I? 

shadows and light

I saw a shadow move tonight.  Was out walking the dog.. I saw it move twice up ahead off to the side of the path.  It hid behind a tree and stayed there.  It didn't think I'd seen.  As I neared I felt the change in the air, the warmth..  Then as I took the next two steps the tingly warm wave fell over me.  I never broke stride, but looked over sternly at the tree to let it know I was aware of its presense.  After I got back to the house with the dog, I went back to that spot.  I was watching for it.. but didn't see it at the same place.  When I stopped right by where it had been though, I looked up and saw a shooting star.. I think.  It was brighter than any I had seen before, and burned a tail of distinct green and then ended in a flame or ember.. a "terminal burst with fragmentation" of at least two pieces.  I walked further on, going in the direction the shadow had initially been headed along the path..  I stopped after a bit, just watching the sky to see if anything else would happen.  Then I felt the warm wave again behind me.  I turned my head slightly, enough to indicate I felt it.. but not so much as to try to actually look behind me... and I started talking.  I told him that I knew that I was weak now, but that in my weakness I am strong, for that is when He works through me.  I told him that his days were numbered, while mine were neverending.  I told him several other things, and continued proclaiming truths as I walked back along the trail towards my house.

It is a principle of spiritual law that you cannot receive the good new blessings of God in your life until you have fully released and forsaken the things of your past.  Even the good of your past must be relinquished in order to receive a fresh breath.  So then the question is, what are you holding on to?  To what, or whom, are you clinging so tightly that it prevents God from working anew in your world?  and then- is it worth it?  Whatever you are holding.. is it worth blocking out God from your life to be able to hold on to that?

Once you have found your passion and calling in this world, you will never find contentment in any other pursuits in life.  Are you in that place now where you with every moment know that you are living out your calling?  If not, then how do you deal with that tug on your heart? That unexplainable unsettling restlessness?  You feel like you are meant for more, but you sit at home and do nothing.  Will your passion come to you while you refuse to move?  No, you must seek it out.  If you have never found yourself in Gods purpose and felt the warmth of satisfaction that comes with knowing you are where you were meant to be, then I encourage you to get up! Go out! If you want to feel what you have never felt before, I urge you to go do what you have never done before.  This doesn't have to be something explicitely 'Christian' either.. just do something -anything- that you never have before.  I assure you, your heart will let you know if that is where you belong.  If on the other hand you HAVE found your calling before, but have wandered astray...  ? what can I say that you do not already know?  You are blessed to know what many will seek for their entire lives without even realizing that they are seeking.  If you know your calling, you are without excuse.  Answer the call once more, or deny God His right to be Lord of your life.  There is no middle ground.  Was your calling to ministry? Childrens ministry perhaps?  Then go!  What about music? Then play!  Whatever your calling, return to it and see if He is not there waiting and eager to use you in new ways that you could not even begin to think of on your own.

Fraud against God

If you take something that was given to you for a specific purpose -designated for a particular cause or use- and instead divert those resources to some other pursuit it is called fraud.

  How many of us though commit fraud continually against God?  He has given each of us gifts, talents, abilities, and resources so that we can accomplish his Will in our lives.  I know for myself though, I routinely use those gifts to serve my own interests instead of to serve my master... or worse, I don't use them at all.  To use them improperly is selfish and fraudulent, but at least you are doing something with it.. developing a skill, even if it is being used out of context or whatever.. but to neglect it altogether?  To pretend as if God has given you nothing?  That is both fraudulent and insulting to the Creator.  Not only are you not using what He gave you for its intended purpose, but you are depriving God of the glory he should be gaining by the use of His gifts.. If you suffer or struggle as a result of not developing your gifts properly then it could be said to go a step further even, by providing a counter-testament.  If I serve God, but I live in poverty... what does that say about God?  Sometimes God uses struggles to teach us what it is to be blessed, but typically when He lets us go through troubles they are temporary.. If we stay indefinitely in the muck and mire, all the while pronouncing ourselves Christians who reflect the glory and power of God himself... that's downright blashphemous!